“Christian continues to pull onward, aware of his utter hopelessness. It makes him hard.”

Thought Catalog

Co-written by Dominick Suzanne-Mayer.

Indie film auteur Gus Van Sant recently submitted an audition video for Focus Features’ 50 Shades of Grey film adaptation. He filmed a scene starring Alex Pettyfer as Christian Grey and an unknown actress as Ana. Focus is currently working on hiring a name director to bring their own vision of the novel to the screen.

These are our suggestions. Here’s EL James’ S&M fantasy as imagined by some of Hollywood’s finest — and Michael Bay.

Woody Allen

Christian and Ana lie in bed. It’s her first time and she’s feeling conflicted about it — in a purely existential sense.

Christian: (fidgets nervously): The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Just kidding, yesterday. I was inside a woman yesterday.

Ana: (lies on his bed, wearing his robe) I’ve never cared for the Statue of Liberty, in…

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