I watch so much TV and films I should list it on my résumé in the category of “Past Activities” instead of “Hobbies”. And I love them. A might watch twice a full TV series if I moderately like it. If I love it, there’s no limit to the amount of times I’ll re-watch it. If you tell me what Jerry did in an episode of Seinfeld, I’ll tell what Kramer, Elaine and George were up to in that same episode. If you chat with me, I can properly reply solely with GIF’s from Community. I’ll perfectly imitate the imitation of Sal from The Sopranos imitating Michael from The Godfather. I know the chicken dances from all characters in Arrested Development, and if you correct me in any of these I’ll say you’re making a huge mistake.
I fit most criteria to be a board certified fanboy but, in the same way Harry, sporting the Sorting Hat, was told he fit the criteria to be a Slytherin decided to be in Grynfindor, I decide to not be a fanboy. Here’s why:
1. Fandom resembles religion. If you read my posts you might have noticed subtle hints at my lack of respect for organized religion. I did a joke implying I heard the Bible read by God himself here. In that same post I put The God Delusion as one of the books I’ve read. You also might have noticed another post where I said religious people should all by murdered in a horrible manner. They were subtle hints, so I don’t blame you for missing. You also might notice the opposite, that I won’t side with the atheist cause. People lose individuality when they associate with a group with tight guidelines. With religion it’s my god is better than yours, in fandom it’s my fictionalized story is better than yours.
2. Fandom makes your rational thinking go bye-bye. Community‘s first three seasons were brilliant. The thought of seeing it cancelled haunted my trips to the Dreamatorium. Hearing the news of the 4th season being a certainty, made my day, that day. The first episode burst my bubble and I watched the whole season with a burst bubble, in hope of a bubble inflation. It was so horrible I thought casting Ashton Kutcher in the main role would improve it. I said this in a tweet, in a brilliant way, I might add. The shows hashtag had been #sixseasonsandamovie and I tweeted #threeseasonswereenough. Fanboys/fangirls crucified me, and on the third day they still hadn’t realize their favourite show had gone bad. Not being a fanboy allows you to keep your critical thinking. I stopped watching How I met your Mother after 7 seasons of continuous watching. True Blood, when they made up fairies in the second season, I think. The Walking Dead, when it started becoming a mix of Desperate Housewives and How to Educate your Teenage Brat. Grey’s Anatomy, when I tried to be more manly.
3. Fanboys/fangirls are spoilers. If you watch a show like The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones, where characters are liable to die at the hands of zombies or high lords, you must beware of spoilers. You either watch the episode as soon as it comes out or go to Amishland until you can watch it, because the internet will soon be filled with images and memes of your favourite characters’ heads separated from their bodies, or their eyes clouded by zombie goo.
But, as a good Slyhterin has value, also has a good fanboy/fangirl. While I sat doing nothing while good shows were being cancelled, fanboys/fangirls did their best to stop these efforts. Community would have a single season if it weren’t for them. Arrested Development wouldn’t have returned, if it weren’t for them. If it weren’t for them, Chuck would have been cancelled (I wouldn’t necessarily thank them for this one).
Thank you, fanboys/fangirls.*
*this post followed the rules of gender neutrality, therefore it’s feminist approved.
I’m not the messiah, but you can follow me: